Casey’s Literary Rants

In which I rant about words I do NOT enjoy

I am a lover of words. I read words, gently caressing them with my eyes. I speak words, lovingly shaping my lips around each one. I think words, my mind slipping away into the beautiful Nowhere Land to be with them. I might even go as far as to say that I am a word connoisseur. Yes, words are my life. Without them I would not have a job; I would not have a non lethal way to escape reality; I would not be able to write this rant and my life would be meaningless.

Despite my irrational, irrevocable, undying passion for words, there are some words that I simply cannot abide by. They make me cringe. They make me weep. They make me gasp in horror and clasp my hands over my eyes, desperately trying to un-see their horrendousness. Yes, every reader has their dreaded words. These are mine:

Moist

If I ever read about a character saying, “Oh baby, I’m so moist for you,” I fall to the floor, screaming and writhing in agony as tears of blood pour from my eyes.

Perhaps that’s taking it a wee bit too far. I do cringe as my mind screams, “YEAST INFECTION!!!!!!!!!!” Of course, there is a story behind that. It’s a story filled with pain, the corruption of a childhood and, obviously, yeast infections. I will spare you the infectious details in the hopes that your mind does not become scared like mine. But needless to say, the word “moist” drives me crazy. Particularly in the sexual context. Moist is such a…dirty word. It brings to mind things like mud and mold and chocolate cake. Okay, so moist chocolate cake is delicious but I don’t like hearing the word moist in the same context as sex or chocolate.

Like.

I like really like don’t the word like ’cause like it makes me sound like I don’t know what I want to like say. I mean, like, why do I like have to keep like saying this word over and over and over again? Am I like lacking in other words? Like, really? Like, I don’t know. Like maybe I like just don’t know any other words. Like, oh my god you guys I like don’t know what I’m like trying to say here!

Ugh! Shudder. Blah.

Can you see why I can’t stand that word? It’s so annoying! It sits in your mouth and jumps out at the most inopportune moments. Because, yep, I’ve had the Like Curse before. It was awful! I couldn’t help myself! It got to the point where I was typing it out in text messages. That’s when I knew I needed help. So I called 1-800-Help-Me-Stop-Saying-Like! and they zapped me with lightning and I never said the word “like” again.

I wish. Well, not really. I don’t want to get zapped with lightning. But I did have to start monitoring what I said and how often I said that dreaded word. “As if” is a perfect replacement. “It feels as if it’s 100 degrees outside,” sounds better than “It feels like it’s like over 100 degrees outside, like for real!”

If you think you have the Like Curse, you can get help! Try to mentally count all the times you say the word in a sentence. Watch your text messages! If you use the word “like” more than once in a sentence, and not as a comparative word, then you have the Curse! Figure out ways to replace the word.  “As if,” “or,” “and,” “otherwise known as” are just some phrases you can use. If you still have problems, please come to me for help. I will zap you with lightning everytime you say it. That’ll get you to stop pretty quickly.

Subtle.

Okay, so I don’t really hate the word subtle. It doesn’t cause me any agony to see it. But annoys the crap out of me because it doesn’t sound the way it’s spelled. At. Freaking. All. Stupid silent b. I can’t tell you how many spelling tests I failed back in elementary school because of this word. Or how many times I was forced to read out loud and mispronounced this word much to the delight of all my fellow classmates.

I suppose, though, my discontent with subtle is more personal than rather than the word itself. I mean, I can subtly ask someone to tell me the alarm code to the bookstore so I could sneak in at night and read the books. Why I would want to do that is beyond me, though, when I have my own giant library in my bedroom.

K

I know that k is merely a letter of the alphabet and not a word. Yes, I know that. But it seems as if I am the only one who knows that. If I’m talking to a person and all they say (or text) in response is “K” (I’m assuming they’re saying “K” and not “‘kay”) I get annoyed. I mean, really? Everything I just said to you is only worth one letter from the alphabet? I love the alphabet as much as the next person, probably more so, but how lazy can you be? “K” makes it sound as if you just don’t give a damn.

KK

If I get annoyed for someone who merely says “K,” you don’t want to see me respond to “KK.” I turn into Hulk Girl. I grow three times as large (my clothes magically change with me because I don’t want to flash the entire world), my skin turns green and I scream, “CASEY NO LIKE KK. KK MAKES CASEY MAD. CASEY ROAR!”

Yes, “KK” is my biggest pet peeve EVER. More so than that dreaded Like Curse. What is the difference between “Ok” and “Kk”? Moving your thumb half an inch across your keyboard/pad/whatever? And you’re so lazy you can’t do it? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR THUMB!?! Did you break your muscle since the last text message? Hmmm?

My own Dad does this to me. He responds with either “K” or “Kk.” I don’t know if he’s purposely trying to torture me or if he just really doesn’t know about Hulk Casey. I think I’m going to have to torture him in return, just on principal.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

It. Is. Not. A. Real. Word. Period. End of story. It has no meaning, other than pure torture for helpless elementary school kids who don’t know how to spell it and are therefore exiled from the Cool Club. But seriously, when was the last time you said that giant word? When was the last time you thought about it? Probably months or years ago. Maybe never! Because it has no purpose. Even though the sound of it is quite atrocious, if you say it loud enough you’ll always sound precocious! *hangs head in shame*

Now it’s your turn! Tell me what words make you turn into the Hulk. Or  are we Word Hating Twins?