Casey’s Literary Rants

In which I rant about picture books

Apart from the highly publicized “Go The Fuck to Sleep,” nearly all picture books are meant for children. To that I say, “Screw society! I’m still a kid!” I’m so mature, I know. But that’s the point. I may look like a grown up, sometimes I even act like one. Yet, deep down, I’m still just a kid. And, to feed my inner child, I still read picture books.

Maybe read is too strong of a word. It’s more like I sit there and say, “Ooh, pretty colors!” or “Oh! Shiny!” or even, “LOOK at that adorable teddy bear! I want him!” Yep, little two-year-old me literally comes out when I read a picture book. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, I’m usually out in public when I’m reading picture books. And by public, I mean, the library. That’s cause you can do just about anything at the library and no one will bat an eyelash. But if I went into Barnes and Nobles and tried to buy some picture books for myself…well, let’s just say the conversation would go like this:

Cute sales dude: So, are these books for your children?

Me: Nope, I don’t have any kids. I don’t want any kids either. It’s not that I don’t like kids, it’s just that I’m too young to have kids. I mean, I technically could but I don’t want to end up on MTV. Although, I’m too old to be considered a pregnant teen. I mean…I’m just going to shut up now.

Cute sales dude: Cool. So are they for your nieces or nephews?

Me: Nope, I don’t have any nieces or nephews. Unless you count my sister’s dog, but she can’t read. Her dog, I mean. My sister can read. She reads all the time.

Cute sales dude: Oh, cool. So, are these books for your friends’ kids?

Me: Nope, none of my friends have kids. Actually, these books are for me.

Cute sales dude: Uh…huh. You know, we have easy readers over in the back corner. They’re more helpful to people who are just learning how to read.

Me: What? No! I read. I mean, I read other books. Besides picture books. I read all the time. I just like to read picture books because they have pretty pictures.

Cute sales dude: Huh. Okay. Bye.

See? I’m just saving myself from awkward embarrassment. So I restrict myself to reading picture books at the library and at home. I find the pretty, shiny new stuff at the library and reread old favorites at home.

My absolute favorite picture book OF ALL TIME is Duncan and Dolores by Barbra Samuels. I used to be able to read the entire book from memory (literally word for word, with description of the pictures for the added benefit of anyone forced to listen to me). Now, though, I can only quote like the first two or three pages and then paraphrase the rest. If you’ve never read about Duncan and Dolores, you’re life is incomplete. Go forth and fix it! Trust me, your inner kid will thank you.

Dolores learns to curb some of her more smothering tendencies and wins the affection of her new pet cat, Duncan.

Piggie Pie by Margie Palatini is the other most amazing picture book in the history of books. For reals. If you ever have the urge to read about a hungry witch, a bed that yawns, smart pigs and an invisible farmer, read Piggie Pie. (With a description like that, can you really say you don’t want to read it? I thought not.)

Gritch the witch flies to Old MacDonald’s farm for some pigs to make piggie pie.

One of my more recent reads is Children Make Terrible Pets. ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY adorable!!!! I feel the urge to add a ton more exclamation points to show my love but I think running around screaming, “I LOVE THIS BOOK!” works a bit better. I mean, you can feel more emotion behind that, right?

When Lucy, a young bear, discovers a boy in the woods, she’s absolutely delighted. She brings him home and begs her mom to let her keep him, even though her mom warns, “Children make terrible pets.” But mom relents, and Lucy gets to name her new pet Squeaker.

Through a series of hilarious and surprising scenes, readers can join Lucy and Squeaker on their day of fun and decide for themselves whether or not children really do make terrible pets.

Okay, so be honest with me. Am I the only one who lets out their inner child via picture books? If you’re with me, what are your favorite books? Or, heck, if you’re a mother, what are your kid(s)’s favorite books? Inquiring minds need to know! ;)