Yes, I am talking about that Fabio. Which is exactly why I picked up Pirate. I mean, how could I not want to read a book by the legendary Fabio? (Though, technically, he co-wrote it with Eugenia Riley.) Okay, fine, the real reason I picked it up was because I wanted to laugh and make fun of it. (Does that make me an evil person? Reading a book solely to make fun of it?) Anyway, Pirate wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be but I did nearly pee in my pants from laughing so hard.
Years after Italian privateer Marco Glaviano saves orphaned twelve-year-old Christina Abbott from Spanish pirates and takes her to his Caribbean island hideaway, he cannot deny his love for the now-grown-up young woman.
Christina was not what I expected. She was independent, stubborn and capable of some self-defense! Once she turned 18, she decided it was time for Marco (aka Fabio) to become hers. Marco was a randy man, with great passions, but every time he was with a woman, Christina would devise a way to break them up. One time, she stuck a snake in the bed; another time, she poured buckets of ice cold water on their heads. I liked that about her; she wasn’t off-put by the fact that he was basically a man-slut. Instead, she used that to her advantage and made it so that no other woman would dare sleep with Marco. Poor Marco, who was used to having sex three or four times a day went over six months without any because of Christina.
She was also extremely spoiled, as in she didn’t know the meaning of “no” (thanks to Marco, who spoiled her everyday since the day he saved her), and lacked all common sense. I mean, if a boat is about to leave the dock, and a guy says, “Hey, come into my cabin to look at this pretty jewelry,” shouldn’t that sound some internal warning bells? And who the heck is so absorbed in looking at jewelry that you can’t tell the ship has started sailing?
Marco was Fabio. Tall, muscular with long, flowing blond hair – yeah, it was quite obvious that they were one and the same. He was everything a good hero should be: strong and honorable. But he was also kind of stupid and completely wrapped around Christina’s pinky. He let her do whatever she wanted until she started asking him to have sex with her. Then he freaked out and said no and realized that he had never said no to her before. Of course, that started a lot of fights. Their fights weren’t strife with sexual tension. In fact, their fights reminded me a lot of a teenage daughter yelling at her dad for not letting her go out to a party. Except that wasn’t what they were fighting about. And they weren’t father and daughter.
The plot was really drawn out. I think Fabio and Eugenia Riley were trying to create sexual tension but it didn’t work. There was a lot of everyday life on the island, time Marco spent on his pirate ship – basically really boring stuff that I couldn’t laugh at. So I skimmed through it or skipped it altogether. The boring parts aside, it took Marco and Christina over half the book to finally hook up. The sex scenes, rare as they were, were kind of bland. There were some crazy, weird and downright awkward metaphors that would either make me laugh or make me scratch my head and make me think, “How does that work?” No, I won’t list them for you because 1) I don’t have the book with me and 2) I just don’t want to repeat them. If you’re really curious about it, go read Pirate. I’m sure you can find it at your local library. Or a used book store. Maybe your mother’s closet.
The funniest part of the book was when Marco was having sex with his lover and pulled out a condom. Then he mentally rambled about a fellow shipmate who had once gotten a red rash down there after laying with a woman and died from it. Ever since then, Marco made sure he wore a condom when he was with a woman. Plus, he didn’t want to get any woman pregnant. I am not making this up! A horny pirate in the 1800s was concerned about getting an STD and/or getting his lover pregnant! I know they’re serious matters but I cannot stop laughing. Condoms weren’t as readily available back then, either. I mean, it’s not like he could just walk down to Walgreens and buy a giant pack of condoms. He must have had to buy them by the boat load.
Like I’ve said, I only read Pirate to laugh and make fun of it. While I was somewhat surprised by it, I can’t stop laughing at it. I have to ask – was he being serious when he wrote it? I mean, does any man REALLY think about having a woman’s “sails” impaled on his “mast”? (I’m talking about the metaphor he used – I know all guys think about sex nonstop. But do they really use those crazy metaphors?) Or does Fabio have a sense of humor?
A friend of mine did give me one of Fabio’s other books, Dangerous. If I ever run out of books, and can’t find anything else to do, I may read it. Or if I just want to laugh at Fabio again. But those are all really big, highly unlikely “ifs.”