Casey’s Literary Rants

In which I rant about how truly amazing fictional men are

To state the obvious, yesterday was Valentines day. So today, you’re either still blissfully floating around on cloud 9, or you’re trying to plan a murder than you can get away with. Because let’s face it, men can be pretty clueless. So, my darling possibly-homicidal readers, today I am going introduce you to something that will make you less homicidal and much happier. I give to you: the Fictional Boyfriend.

As an avid reader (especially of the romance genre) I do meet a lot of amazing fictional men. Not that I’m complaining or anything. These men are pure perfection. More times than not, they’re way better than any real-life man you’ll ever meet. If you don’t believe me, then let me prove it with:

Casey’s Top Eight Reasons Why Fictional Men Make Better Boyfriends

8. The Black Dagger Brotherhood. Enough said. If you haven’t read this series, you don’t know what you’re missing. Seriously. If these men were real, I could be camped out in their front yard this very second. Okay, so they aren’t the only alpha men I would stalk watch from afar. There’s also Barrons, Bones, Aden, Clay, Derek, Kale, Adam (and Dom!), Owen, Reyes, Ash, Micah, Marc, Victor, Kadan, Rio, Ty, Hari, Raven, Kyrian…yeah, you get the picture. These men are drool-worthy, swoon-inducing and have so many other amazing qualities that it is impossible not to fall in love (or lust. There’s nothing wrong with pure lust) with them. If that alone doesn’t sway you over to the fictional side, then I don’t know what will.

7. Together-time anytime. There are some days when you’re going to want together-time 24/7. And then there are going to be days when you want alone-time. Real men aren’t always that flexible to our moods. Heck, who hasn’t woken up at 3 am and just wanted some cuddle time? Nothing more, nothing less. But no, he’s too busy sleeping. Because sleep is oh so fundamental and important to his health. Psssh. Who needs good health?

6. They WILLINGLY go shopping with you. Remember in #7, where you can have together-time anytime? Well, if you’re carrying around his book (or your e-reader stuffed with hundreds of books and therefore hundreds of boyfriends) in your purse then he will always go shopping with you and won’t complain the entire time. Do real men do that? (Apart from gay men. Gay men are usually the best people to go shopping with.)  I don’t think so. At least, I’ve never met a straight man who wants to go shopping with me.

5. You don’t have to dress up for him. With nonfictional boyfriends, you have to spend hours getting dressed up with the makeup and the picking out of clothes to wear. Not to mention the grooming of other areas. All the freaking time. Blah. With fictional boyfriends, though, you don’t have to worry about it. You can go for a week without shaving your legs and he won’t complain. Nope, he’ll still whisper in your ear just how sexy he finds you.

4. They never ever (and I mean EVER) leave the toilet seat up. I can’t be the only woman who has stumbled into the bathroom in the middle of the night with a bladder that’s about to burst, been completely blinded by the sudden brightness of the lights and sat down on the toilet only to fall into said toilet because someone left the seat up. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the middle of the night but the middle of the day instead and I wasn’t paying attention like I should have been… But it’s the same concept!

3.  They don’t miss the toilet. Do I need to explain this one? Nope, didn’t think so.

2. You can change him. Technically, each fictional man is the baby of the author and the author gets to say exactly what he looks like. Yeah, technically. If you don’t like a man who has hair down to his elbows, cut it off! Don’t like so much facial hair? Whip out that permanent shaving kit and it’s gone for good! His brown colored eyes are too chocolaty for you? Make them blue. Decide you hate blue colored eyes and want the brown ones back? Go for it! Ever wanted to have a man with an eight-pack of abs instead of the standard six? He’ll have them instantly. Yes, the second best thing about having a fictional boyfriend is that you can make him look like whatever you want him to look like. Anything is possible.

1. You can have as many fictional boyfriends as you want. No, seriously! You can have 470,623,698,325 fictional boyfriends and the only thing someone will say to you is, “How the heck do you have time to read about all of them?! Tell me your secret!” At least, that’s what I would say to you. Now, if you had that many real life boyfriends, heck, even if you only had 2 boyfriends, people would probably call you a ho. Or worse, a scarlet woman! Oh the horror! To be called nasty names! Stick with fictional boyfriends and you don’t have to worry about that at all.

Are you a believer now? Are you rushing out to go find your own fictional boyfriend? Go for it. Find your perfect man, and keep him!

P.S. Now that I’ve convinced everyone I’m just like those crazy old ladies with the cats, (only much younger and with fictional men, not cats) I did have a good Valentine’s Day this year. He gave me the standard heart shaped box of chocolates and a copy of Lothaire signed by both Kresley Cole and Lothaire (aka Paul Marron). HOLY CHEEZ-ITS YOU GUYS! I…I…I…I guess there is something to these real men after all.